Re-lapsing can help you learn about yourself

September 11, 2006

[brenjane]: hi jilly
[jilly]: hi-how r u?
[jilly]: is there a chat tonight?
[brenjane]: good
[brenjane]: i thought so
[brenjane]: it is udally on every mon night
[brenjane]: hi dimples
[brenjane]: usually
[brenjane]: sorry
[brenjane]: hi dimples
[dimples]: hi there
[brenjane]: hi gso
[gso]: hello all, welcome to the Friendly Mirrors chat
[gso]: hello brenjane
[gso]: hello dimples
[gso]: hello jilly welcome back
[brenjane]: im still doing jenny craig
[dimples]: hi
[gso]: how is it going brenjane?
[gso]: hello llb hoe are you?
[brenjane]: i am having a big problem these days gso
[gso]: with what brenjane?
[dimples]: hi llb
[brenjane]: sleep
[llb]: hey...ok how are you all doing tonight?
[gso]: fine thanks llb
[brenjane]: i have not been able to sleep at night
[gso]: have you talked to your doctor about this?
[jilly]: hi!
[brenjane]: and since my son graduated hs he is up all night keeping me up
[brenjane]: i havent spoke to the dr yet because the county wants me to find a new one again
[brenjane]: dhould i talk to my reg dr
[gso]: sounds like you and he need to have a "heart-to-heart" so to speak.
[gso]: but brenjane that is what your general physician is for.....
[brenjane]: me and my son or me and the md
[brenjane]: ok
[gso]: please talk to your doctor about your sleep problems
[gso]: and talk to your son
[brenjane]: its been causing seizures and migraines
[gso]: Does anyone have anything they would like to start with?
[brenjane]: ty gso
[jilly]: i would love to talk about eating and image!
[gso]: go ahead jilly
[jilly]: every time i feel like i have done something that may be considered "not perfect" in someone's eyes-i think i deserve to starve myself
[jilly]: so...I have been really hungry lately!!!!!!!!
[gso]: can you give us an example?
[System]: arsc_user_enter~~mimi~~Author's Suite
[brenjane]: hi mimi
[gso]: hello mimi how are you?
[mimi]: hi everybody
[dimples]: hi mimi
[llb]: hi mimi
[jilly]: i made a mistake at work and i immediately thought people were talking about it and hating me for it for weeks...then i just lost my apetite and stopped eating
[brenjane]: are there other wt loss support chats on the web
[gso]: sounds a bit paranoid????
[jilly]: i think of very concerned with how people see me
[jilly]: sounds very paranoid!
[gso]: I don't mean that in a bad way....you just assume that others are thinking negatively about you
[brenjane]: i think we all do that to a certain extent gso
[brenjane]: i also worry about looks
[jilly]: usually not-i usually think people are proud of me and really enjoy being with me etc. but as soon as I feel I made a mistake-i forget all of that and i make myself believe people are mad
[gso]: I see jilly....you agree that it sounds paranoid
[jilly]: exactly-i totally agree
[brenjane]: i am always running my hands over my stomach seeing and feeling if it is any smaller
[gso]: OK , when my pts explore this they sometimes see that they had real life experiences in which others were, in fact, talking about them
[gso]: especially as a kid
[gso]: other times this stems from repressed anger.....no joke I have seen that alot
[brenjane]: i flip flopped as a kid i was skinny as a kid and i am fat now
[gso]: you assume others are angry at you when all the while you are mad at them....something like that
[jilly]: so more like projection?
[gso]: you got it:-)
[jilly]: i was mad at them actually
[gso]: how about that???? say more if you can
[jilly]: but i would never talk bad about people-when i'm angry-i just hold it in
[jilly]: no one would ever know i was mad at them
[jilly]: but i guess what i did was held it in so much that i believed they were saying all these bad things about me because i was feeling insecure about my feelings about them
[gso]: jilly it is a safe place here to do some of that work....can you tell us why you may have been angry at them?
[brenjane]: holding anger in can make things worse
[jilly]: because i felt like they were judging me before giving me a chancve to prove myself
[jilly]: so i was angry at them for being so cold and unwelcoming
[gso]: so you were disappointed and you expected more from THEM
[jilly]: ya-buit it's my fault that i didn't ask them for that i guess
[gso]: what could you have asked them for to make it easier?
[jilly]: i could have asked them to be a little more patient
[jilly]: instead...i stopped eating
[jilly]: became irritable
[jilly]: and then probably actually gave them a reason to be removed!
[gso]: what good work you are doing tonight jilly
[jilly]: thanks...u are a good prober!
[gso]: thanks
[gso]: so summarize this internal dynamic for other chatters please
[jilly]: me?
[gso]: yes you jilly, explain what you just learned about yourself
[jilly]: that i project my inability to express anger onto other people
[jilly]: and in turn i convince myself
[jilly]: that they are mad at me and then i turn to my body and starve myself which
[gso]: how does assertiveness come into play for you?
[jilly]: reinforces it even more and then i become distant and then i believe that they should be mad
[jilly]: wow!!!!!!!11
[gso]: any comments chatters
[llb]: very good problem solving
[jilly]: being assertive w/words is hard
[jilly]: being assertive with body is easy!
[gso]: does anyone else use their body image (looking fatter or thinner) to cry out for help?
[llb]: no, i don't think so
[gso]: OK, any other topics of interest?
[jilly]: why is everyone so quiet
[jilly]: tough weeks????
[gso]: good question
[llb]: i'm exhausted...rough week
[dimples]: sorry - i dont think i have much to offer right now
[mimi]: me too
[gso]: you don't have to offer anything, do you need anything?
[mimi]: thanks no, 9/11 is just a very sad day for me Ill be much better next week
[gso]: does anyone need anything?
[jilly]: it is a sad day today!
[jilly]: did it touch you personally mimi?
[gso]: it has hit me harder this year too
[jilly]: not to kinimize the effects it had on all of us
[mimi]: yes
[jilly]: sorry minimize
[llb]: guess having a hard time making everyone happy when everyone wants so many different things...very tiring
[gso]: mimi can you say more?
[gso]: llb who exactly wants what from you?
[mimi]: not up to it tonight
[llb]: work, family, docs, nutritionist, etc
[gso]: OK that is fine.....please try to stay clear of some of the "junk tv" about 9-11....it can be hype-ish
[jilly]: what do want that is different or similar to them?
[gso]: llb?
[llb]: sorry...
[mimi]: dimples, you there, you have a bad day too?
[llb]: everybody just wants way too much...more than i can give
[llb]: work is crazy...
[llb]: family crazy
[gso]: can you give them half of what they are looking for? that is a start?
[dimples]: i havent been too good for about a week again mimi
[llb]: they all want my help
[mimi]: sorry to hear that dimples
[jilly]: when you guys have bad days or bad weeks....does your eating instantly get affected?
[dimples]: for sure..esp when it happens when im trying recovery
[jilly]: or can you be sad, angry, stressed etc. and still have normal eating?
[gso]: part of recovery is knowing how to do that Jilly
[jilly]: so maybe relapses are normal then?
[jilly]: gso?
[gso]: relapses are very productive parts of recovery....if you do the analytic work, a relapse provides you with usefull information about your self and your illness
[jilly]: maybe allowing a relapse to happen an d learn from it can be a good way to let go of perfectionism
[gso]: you got it jilly......
[jilly]: but i have relapses like everyday now!
[jilly]: i'm not eating that much latemy
[jilly]: lately
[gso]: let's look at tomorrow, jilly do you expect any of your triggers to emerge tomorrow....if so.....how can you plan a bit better?
[jilly]: i'm already planning to not eat tomorrow
[jilly]: i'm like setting myself up before i even get to tomorrow
[gso]: you sure are
[jilly]: but i'm eating now so it will last until the day after
[jilly]: my thoughts aren't usually this twisted-just been a bad few weeks!
[jilly]: as i'm re=reading what i wrote- i feel like it makes me sound sicker than i feel
[gso]: jilly, would it be OK if I went back to llb.....and ask her if she needs more attention....I feel like I switched the focus?
[gso]: from her
[jilly]: of course
[gso]: llb......you did a nice job "venting" so to speak glad you feel comfortable "letting us in"
[gso]: but can you tell us more about your specific situation(s)?
[llb]: family wanting my help with my niece but now are all angry with me...
[gso]: you said work...family at 21:32
[gso]: can you explain that situation to other chatters? maybe they can help
[llb]: work has been overwhelming with on call and then having to work all weekend
[gso]: your family stress
[llb]: my niece is in hospital for ed and ocd
[llb]: everyone keeps coming to me for help
[llb]: i try to help but it is really affecting me
[llb]: ten i do and they are all angry
[gso]: is it triggering your ed?
[llb]: yes
[gso]: what about this terrible situation triggers you?
[gso]: specifically
[llb]: hard to explain
[gso]: is it that others are asking you to help when they should be asking to help you?
[llb]: no, not really....just that they say i know it's hard on me...BUT
[llb]: it doesn't matter
[gso]: you want them to protect you from it....it does matter
[gso]: they are asking you to help them, even though it hurts you?
[llb]: no, it doesn't matter to them that it affects me
[llb]: right
[gso]: you feel second in line
[llb]: they say i've been through it so i understand
[llb]: i can help them help her
[gso]: but they don't understand the illness....and how you still need help with it
[llb]: they don't care if i need help
[llb]: they need help, that's all that matters
[gso]: so literally every time they ask you for help.....it is a reminder that you play second fiddle
[mimi]: llb, what can a person who is not family do to help?
[gso]: no wonder you are struggling what about asking them not to call on you?
[llb]: i'm not even in the orchestra
[gso]: :-(
[jilly]: i know what it's like to help someone with an ed before you have succeeded in helping urself
[jilly]: it just adds to the feelings of being puleld
[jilly]: sorry...pulled
[jilly]: what would happen if you shared your feelings w/the family?
[llb]: and isn't it ironic how our jobs are to help others be well
[llb]: i had to admit 2 people to psych unit this week
[jilly]: i know- i think of that everytime i see a patient with anorexia-
[llb]: i bet
[jilly]: i just want to tell them that i know exactly what it;'s like but that would be so totally wrong of me!
[jilly]: your right though that people think when u've experienced something-it makes u an expert in that area
[llb]: except the person struggling
[jilly]: and that you must be the "cure" to their answers since u've been down that road
[gso]: yuk.....
[gso]: too much pressure and inappropriate expectations
[jilly]: llb-would u speak up for yourself and tell them what ur feeling?
[llb]: and now i'm waiting for a letter my niece has written to me about...
[llb]: being to forward with truthful things
[llb]: she says she knows what i am telling her is the truth that is why it hurts
[jilly]: is she in denial or does she see there's a prob?
[llb]: so i guess how i feel was that i was pressured to get involved more than i wanted than got my hand slapped for doing so
[mimi]: that stinks
[llb]: she's not in denial
[gso]: just to finish up.....it is tempting to cater to these unrealistically high expectations of helping others when you, yourself, are not doing well., but you will suffer the consequences...maybe not today....but someday this "dependent" stance will take it's toll....by dependent, I mean that others always come before you
[gso]: please try to put yourselves higher on the list.....thanks for chatting good night
[jilly]: thanks!
[llb]: thanks gso..good night
[llb]: thanks everybody....be well
[mimi]: good night gso, dimples, llb and jilly see you next week
[llb]: take care mimi ;-)
[dimples]: thanks - bye
[llb]: bye dimples. bye jilly