Coping with Interpersonal Stress and Pressure to Recover

August 21, 2006

[ClayGirl]: hi llb
[llb]: first time here?
[ClayGirl]: hi mimi
[ClayGirl]: yes
[llb]: welcome
[ClayGirl]: thanks
[llb]: how did you here about the site?
[mimi]: hi llb and ClayGirl
[llb]: hi mimi
[ClayGirl]: from a cread meeting with gso
[llb]: gotcha
[mimi]: hi gso how are you?
[gso]: hello all, welcome claygirl!
[ClayGirl]: hi gso
[llb]: hi gso
[gso]: hello llb and mimi....thanks for returning
[gso]: glad to see a newcomer to the chat:-)
[ClayGirl]: thanks i think it will be a good place for me to come to for info and help
[gso]: claygirl, usually I start by asking if anyone has any issues or questions to start us off? any takers?
[mimi]: I've gotten both of those from the chats
[ClayGirl]: I was wondering if we could talk about family members and support from them
[gso]: sure what specifically?
[ClayGirl]: well for example my mom has not been the easiest to work with throughout this who thing.
[ClayGirl]: she has turned towards anger and resentment towards me and I don't know how to handle it
[gso]: that is a common problem....can you tell us more? Many people don't know what to do and they end up making things worse
[gso]: how does she show you she is angry?
[ClayGirl]: well her resentment lies at the financial situation as she put it is that she had a house of cards and I pulled it out from under her
[gso]: so you feel guilty?
[ClayGirl]: by yelling and screaming and just being in a pissy mood all the time towards me
[ClayGirl]: yeah
[gso]: do you live with her?
[mimi]: do you live at home?
[ClayGirl]: i am also scared that if I were to relapse that there would be more anger and punishment than actual support from her
[ClayGirl]: when I am not in school yes i live with her
[gso]: so you expect not to relapse? that is a bit of pressure huh?
[ClayGirl]: yeah
[gso]: so you live with her three months of the year?
[ClayGirl]: I also feel like it almost fuels me to go towards my ed
[gso]: I bet it does
[ClayGirl]: well it has been like 6 months cause i was required to take a leave from school
[mimi]: you mean you've been living at home 6 months?
[ClayGirl]: but i feel like, well if she has resentment towards me then I have it against her for not having the proper finances or theright insurance company that would have paid for my treatment. I know it is wrong to feel this way but i do
[ClayGirl]: yeah at home for 6 months
[gso]: I guess one of the questions you may need to answer is whether or not she "put you on guilt trips" before the ED (about other things) (is it her personality)? or is this just a matter of circumstance (because of the stress of your ed)?
[ClayGirl]: oh she has always played guilt trips she is the queen of jewish mother guilt
[ClayGirl]: i have never heard her ever ell me that she resents me for anything until now
[gso]: can you give us an example of two of the early guilt trips so that our readers can see that this is a personality problem that she has?that would be very helpful for many
[ClayGirl]: um well there was one time where it was her birthday and I had wanted to go back and visit school. I specifically asked her if we could celebrate her b day the night before and she said yes so i thought there was no problem until i get back and she is like well i really wasnted to celebrate on my birthday and that I should have know that and stayed in town to celebrate
[ClayGirl]: so not only does she do the guilt trip she gives mixed messages
[ClayGirl]: she gave me the silent treatment for that b day thing
[gso]: Ok so you can see where this type of interpersonal relationship can cause stress and low self-esteem? the "seeds" of eating disorders for some...thank you for sharing
[gso]: can anyone else relate with this type of stressful relationship?
[gso]: believe me, I see this type of interpersonal stress alot with my ed and overweight patients
[mimi]: ClayGirl do you have other people who trigger your ed?
[ClayGirl]: but i don't know what to do because I am going back to school on Friday and I have this hanging and it is bottling up I feel like I am going to explode to her
[gso]: is her birthday an issue this week?
[ClayGirl]: I am not really sure maybe my father more because he is not in the picture too much he would rather take care of his other family than my family
[ClayGirl]: no but the whole resentment thing is she sat me down and told me that she resented me I didn't know what to say I just know that I was speechless and also didn't want to hurt her feelings
[mimi]: I ask because I am finding other people in addition to my family trigger me
[ClayGirl]: I am one to put others feelings before mine
[gso]: she did this lately?
[ClayGirl]: yeah
[ClayGirl]: like 4 days ago
[gso]: WOW.....so how do you feel?
[ClayGirl]: filled with all different emotions
[gso]: go ahead
[ClayGirl]: anger, hurt, confused, and lost
[gso]: alone?
[mimi]: do you have brothers and sisters and has she done this to them?
[ClayGirl]: she is coming back from a trip and I pick her up from the airport tonight and I think it is going to be odd
[ClayGirl]: yes alone
[ClayGirl]: a sister she gets guilt trips but not to the extent of me my mom has higher expectations of me
[gso]: it is very sad to realize that someone you love is not the person you thought they were.....there can be a substantial sense of loss there
[mimi]: Can you get support from your sister?
[gso]: unfortunately.....these are all growing pains....or the hurt of becoming a "wise" person
[ClayGirl]: no not at all she is only involved in her self she is at that age
[ClayGirl]: but how do i not let it affect me?
[gso]: well the assumption that you shouldn't let it affect you is common with an eating problem......why can't you feel what you feel.....it should bother you....
[ClayGirl]: because it is just sitting there nagging at me and actually affecting my ed
[gso]: who can support you re your mom's guilt?
[ClayGirl]: huh?
[gso]: who can you get some emotional support from re your mom stress?
[ClayGirl]: i guess my therapist
[gso]: what about llb of mimi....can you relate and help claygirl feel less alone?
[gso]: or mimio
[gso]: or mimi
[mimi]: :-)
[gso]: mama mimio:-)
[ClayGirl]: cute
[mimi]: I think ClayGirls going to her therapist is a good idea
[mimi]: Do you have any friends at school, or any close friends anywhere else?
[gso]: claygirl.....when this type of interpersonal stress hit home....and is personal or someone close to you......the feelings can be confusing......seeking help so that you understand your feelings can help
[ClayGirl]: I don't have many I have one at school but she has her own problems that are just as difficult as mine
[ClayGirl]: well I was thinking family therapy but in the past it has turned out bad
[ClayGirl]: family*
[mimi]: But at least you know she's there if you really need her
[ClayGirl]: my therapist or my mom?
[mimi]: your friend at school
[ClayGirl]: oh yeah i guess
[gso]: if someone has trouble supporting you or empathizing with a therapist present has some potential to do some damage
[mimi]: how could you go to family therapy if you're going back to school
[ClayGirl]: well I have one more session before I leave that I could invite my mom to
[gso]: claygilr be careful
[ClayGirl]: i feel like I never can win with my mom she is too stubborn to talk to or even see the reality of things
[mimi]: I would think just one visit could be awful
[gso]: be sure that you mom want to understand you....and that is the purpose of the meeting......it shouldn't be about "her" it should be about you and your needs and feelings you are the one with the ed right?
[mimi]: if she's assertive or aggressive one visit could set you way back
[ClayGirl]: yeah but she thinks she knows everything she has even told me that what I learned in treatment isn't neccessarily true. Like she knows she is not a professional
[ClayGirl]: it is not even her field of work
[mimi]: If I were to do that most of my family would want it to be all about them
[gso]: sometimes ed or overeating can erupt when people are not empathized with or are made to feel guilty for how they feel......
[ClayGirl]: the thing is is that I want to prove her wrong so badly that I am willing to do it at my expense
[ClayGirl]: exactly
[gso]: makes people uncertain about their feelings and/or like there is something wrong with them for feeling that way......feelings are feelings.....
[ClayGirl]: I see myself going down already because of this and I don't know how to separate that
[mimi]: maybe it would be better for you in therapy to try and learn how to make a friend who can be supportive
[ClayGirl]: thats something to think about mimi
[gso]: claygirl....your mom is not likely to be able to change, especially if you have tried to make her understand......some people really don't know how......to try and change them can make you sick and stressed
[mimi]: if you had a friend who could share things and you have a good time with they may be supportive in your ed
[gso]: mimi, do you have an unempathic person in your life that triggers you eating behavior?
[mimi]: OH YES!
[ClayGirl]: thats what my therapist at school said but it has been the dynamic of our family for so long to try to change eachother that I have a hard time not just naturally doing that
[mimi]: An attorney I have to see Thursday. She needs lots of therapy. lol
[gso]: can you share with claygirl mimi
[ClayGirl]: /room Author's Suite
[mimi]: I'm applying for disability. I have this woman attorney. Very aggressive, but I'm finding the aggressiveness is to cover up her lack of work
[mimi]: Just hearing her voice can set me off
[gso]: mimi is there anyone in your family or household?
[mimi]: My husband
[gso]: please say more
[mimi]: I'm learning in therapy many people in my life have abandoned me on many occasions and I have just decided I am NOT going to let them do it to me anymore
[ClayGirl]: how
[ClayGirl]: ?
[mimi]: One instance, when my old house was sold my husband packed up and left me finish cleaning the house alone and left me go to closing with two dogs in the car He just got in the van and drove up to our new house and never told me
[ClayGirl]: but how do u keep that from happening again
[mimi]: With this hearing for disability coming up I realized he might start to go and then not go into the courtroom
[gso]: claygirl.....are you trying to control someone else's behavior?> "how do you keep that from happening"
[mimi]: I have gotten in touch with two friends who I can call on a moments notice to come and be a witness
[gso]: be careful there
[ClayGirl]: well mimi had said that she wasn't going to let them do that to he again and I was trying to understand how
[mimi]: I feel the important thing here is I now realize what his actions might be before he abandons me again
[ClayGirl]: i don't know if I am understanding correctly but are you saying that you won't let it affect you or are you saying that you won't let them abandon you aanymore?
[mimi]: What Im saying is that in the past I wouldn't have ever dreamed something like that could happen
[mimi]: but now I know it can happen and I have to think ahead to protect myself
[ClayGirl]: oh ok i get it now sorry that took me a while
[gso]: I think the healthiest thing (from an emotional standpoint) would be to expect it to happen (not assume they may ever change) and prepare yourself for the emotions
[mimi]: ClayGirl, I'm a binge eater and have been very addicted to food
[gso]: claygirl this is a VERY different way to approach interpersonal stress....you are doing great work here:-)
[ClayGirl]: but I never expected in a million years that she would tell me that she resents me even from past events I never expected that to even protect myself
[gso]: it is a devastating realization....very hurtful
[ClayGirl]: i feel like it broke a part of our relationship and I don' know what to do or if i should just let us fall apart
[ClayGirl]: we used to be very very close almost too close as my therapist has put it
[mimi]: I think the best thing you can do tonight is be prepared for some unpleasantness and if it doesn't happen that will be good
[gso]: it is a "hole" in the relationship for sure.....but you can learn how to chose better friends if you pay attention to these deficits......you will know what to look for in a person
[ClayGirl]: i can't remember the word but it is when family members are too dependent on one another
[gso]: enmeshment?
[ClayGirl]: yeah thats it thanks
[ClayGirl]: i mean i do want to be able to be independent from her but I don't want to lose our relationship either
[gso]: enmeshment can happen in any relationship.....one of the hallmarks is that you are blinded by thier closeness so much so that you don't see thier deficits
[ClayGirl]: well I am starting to see them and they are scaring me
[mimi]: that used to be me, boy, have things changed :-)
[gso]: really claygirl, you are just molding your expectations to better meet her abilities.....many relationships do just fine......they just have to be molded a bit
[gso]: more painful.....but more emotionally balanced
[ClayGirl]: it just seems like it is either too close or way far apart there seems to be no middle ground
[ClayGirl]: are things better or worse mimi
[mimi]: Could it be she was looking for an argument so it would be easier for her when you leave for school?
[mimi]: I'll let you know next week
[mimi]: Will you be able to come to chat from school?
[ClayGirl]: i don't know, but i just sat there so she didn't get an argument if that is what she was doing but why does it have to be like that it just leaves things in a bad place
[ClayGirl]: yeah
[mimi]: I had a friend who every time she went back to school her mother started this huge argument
[ClayGirl]: thats difficult
[mimi]: years later we realized it was because the mother didn't want her to leave
[ClayGirl]: i think my mom wants me to leave we have been together too long now
[ClayGirl]: no breathing room really
[mimi]: or I should say it was the mother's way of letting it be ok to see her leave for school
[gso]: well I hope that you come and join us again claygirl........thank you both for chatting tonight....feel free to use the website anytime you'd like to chat with friends or family, supportive people of course.......good night
[ClayGirl]: this was good i needed to let that out thank you for talking with me both gso and mimi
[ClayGirl]: nite
[mimi]: good night gso, good talking
[mimi]: claygirl hope you're here next week. night
[gso]: you were both great
[ClayGirl]: i will try
[ClayGirl]: thanks gso
[ClayGirl]: nite everyone