Interpersonal Stress and Eating Behavior

July 24, 2006

[llb]: hello
[mimi]: Hi llb, have to say thanks for the other night
[gso]: hello llb and mimi how are you tonight?
[mimi]: hi gso
[gso]: how are you ladies tonight?
[llb]: :-)
[llb]: ok
[llb]: how are you?
[mimi]: gso,, I just thanked llb for the other night if she hadn't been on I would have binged big time
[llb]: glad to help mimi
[mimi]: we were on aim
[mimi]: thanks
[gso]: sorry had a oven beeper going off
[mimi]: having something good?
[gso]: actually yes two birthdays tomorrow
[gso]: hubby: chocolate cake of course
[llb]: :-)
[gso]: babysitter likes biscuits.....and so do I of course
[mimi]: my mouth is watering
[gso]: me too I love the smell
[gso]: anyway........food can be a friend...right?
[gso]: would either of you like to start with a topic?
[mimi]: I will
[mimi]: I was reading your book the other day
[gso]: yes?
[mimi]: page 100
[mimi]: about relationships
[mimi]: I've been married a long time
[mimi]: in all these years my husband gets very distracted and doing something else when Im talking
[mimi]: over all these years what it has done is make me go off in a corner get depressed and eat
[gso]: this sounds really onteresting so far
[gso]: interesting
[mimi]: well reading that page I tried something different
[mimi]: he got an email from his friends at the Mets and Yankees. He doesn't know how to get into my computer
[mimi]: I let him know in a roundabout way if he wasn't going to listen to me I wasn't going to do it for him, so he wasn't getting his message
[mimi]: the most remarkable thing happened
[mimi]: he tuned into what I had been talking about, and knew everything I had been saying
[mimi]: Now I just have to learn how to keep it up
[System]: arsc_user_enter~~dimples~~Author's Suite
[mimi]: hi dimples
[gso]: hello dimples
[gso]: mimi sounds like you gave him a dose of his own medicine....
[mimi]: yes
[dimples]: hi
[gso]: a small change which led to a huge difference:-)
[mimi]: i was shocked at how fast it worked only I have to stick with it
[mimi]: It's got me wanting to read the book more so I'll know what to do in other situations
[gso]: dimples...just to catch you up
[gso]: mimi's husband isn't the best listener and so rather than try to tell him he needs to change......she started putting little effort into listening to him....gave him a dose of his own medicine and walla!!!! all of a sudden he put his "listening ears on" Hurray for Mimi!!
[dimples]: good work, mimi!
[mimi]: thank you :-)
[mimi]: llb, you there, how are you?
[llb]: i'm here, thanks
[gso]: the book is a bit heavy but if you take it little by little and are gentle with yourself as you read it....you wil probably pick up some new life skills that translate into better health habits
[mimi]: I sure need that
[dimples]: sounds like you are doing great with it mimi
[gso]: who else needs to share or be needy tonight?
[mimi]: tried being outside today the bugs were so bad couldn't stay out
[gso]: seems like they are really bad.....my sons (3 year old) got bit and his little belly had a huge round welt on it.....my friends thought it was a hernia so I was a bit worried for a few hours. It went down as fast as it came.....bebdryl on a stick is awesome....sorry to digress
[mimi]: never heard of it but thats good to know
[mimi]: dimples, and llb how was your weekend?
[gso]: OK what about problems and needs anybody want to take a risk here and be vulnerable and ask for help?
[dimples]: sorry - im dealing with some pretty heavy stuff these days
[gso]: go ahead dimples
[gso]: dimples?
[gso]: llb and mimi are you there?
[llb]: yes
[mimi]: yes, Im here
[dimples]: im here - just listening
[gso]: dimples do you want to share your heavy stuff and/or how it relates to health habits?
[mimi]: dimples, there aren't many people on if I were to leave would you feel freer to talk? Ive told my weekly stuff
[dimples]: sorry i don't know how
[dimples]: no mimi - don't go
[mimi]: ok
[gso]: dimples if you are not ready, we can try to help someone else....it's OK
[mimi]: llb while dimples is typing can you help My aim isn't turned on and when I went into I did something wrong Its been so long I forget what to do
[mimi]: I want it on
[llb]: i can e mail you later ok
[mimi]: that's great thanks
[llb]: sure
[dimples]: i don't know how to do this - im not strong enough
[gso]: dimples it is OK......it takes a very strong person to really "deal" with life
[dimples]: yeah
[mimi]: dimples two years ago I met someone who told me my holding things in was making me sick. She told me I had to open up and let things out. I did Now I go overboard the other way. Now I just have to find a middle ground
[dimples]: really? must feel scary to let it out tho
[mimi]: Not as much now
[mimi]: You should have seen how much I ate when I first started
[dimples]: my T says i am blocked
[gso]: yes it is scary to try something new......or to allow yourself to go to new places in your mind
[mimi]: Thats how I was
[dimples]: i honestly don't know how
[mimi]: Thats exactly how I felt
[gso]: it is not selfish to try new skills with people....it is the only way you can really grow and get healthy.....your true loved ones will love to see you succeed
[mimi]: dimples, gso once recommended to me to journal Have you tried that?
[dimples]: yes, i am finally working hard at that - after 2 years
[gso]: one of my clinical supervisors put all the trainees in a day long therapy group, about 6 weeks into the training
[mimi]: for the first couple of weeks all I ended up writing about was the house I wanted but then when I really needed to write something out it came so much easier
[mimi]: how did that go?
[gso]: we all tried out some new relationship skills that day.....one we all would never forget....I gained confidence both personaly and clinically
[mimi]: can we try that?
[dimples]: its hard when your partner really doesn't want you to change
[gso]: it was awful though.......we cried.....we got angry......we learned who to "stay away from" and I made a few dear close friends
[gso]: dimples are you saying that your partner doesn't want you to get healthy from a physical standpoint?
[dimples]: he's running away from everything these days
[gso]: are you afraid of disappointing him if you gain weight?
[mimi]: or do you keep quiet, just to keep the peace?
[dimples]: i don't understand - sorry
[gso]: are you afraid of the ramifications if you try some new skills with him like assertiveness or empathy training?
[dimples]: i know things will have to change
[System]: arsc_user_enter~~lb~~Author's Suite
[gso]: dimples when is the wedding?
[mimi]: llb, were you kicked off?
[lb]: sorry
[gso]: sorry
[dimples]: we've been married a long time already
[dimples]: its me that gets disappointed if i gain weight
[gso]: dimples......did you take a risk and tell me I seem distracted a few weeks ago.....if so.....it was a great observation and I enjoyed seeing you have a "real" conversation? was that you?
[gso]: or did I just embarrass myself?
[dimples]: no i don't think it was me
[dimples]: but you don't need to be embarrassed...
[gso]: sorry.....another chatter made that observation and it was a new skill for her and it was great to see her grow and take risks interpersonally
[dimples]: thats good she did that then
[gso]: dimples can I ask you to clarify a bit?
[dimples]: i'll try
[gso]: you said at 21:36 that your partner doesn't want you to change...do you mean he'd like you to remain passive? or change how?
[dimples]: get stronger - i think
[gso]: what have you tries to do (risks have you taken) to try "strong" skills out?
[gso]: tried not tries
[dimples]: speaking up - learning boundaries, saying no
[gso]: so you feel he may prefer that you remain passive?
[dimples]: i think so - i think most men do
[mimi]: My husband sure would!
[mimi]: Do you stand up for yourself to people other than your family?
[dimples]: no - im trying to learn tho
[mimi]: Im pretty good at standing up for myself with other people, except for doctors and my own family
[mimi]: would it be easier for you to try standing up for yourself with strangers first?
[gso]: my responses are disappearing......help
[dimples]: my s/a T has said to try with her - where i feel safe
[mimi]: that sounds good. Like role playing?
[gso]: I few minutes a go I asked that you chat together while I think of a creative way for dimples to get her point across to him
[dimples]: ok - thanks
[gso]: my response never came through
[gso]: sorry
[gso]: OK I am thinking.....
[mimi]: if you role played with things that happen with strangers first, before your husband would that make it easier?
[mimi]: that way you could try it out and get better at it before trying it at home
[dimples]: not sure - maybe it would - i have trouble with strangers in the past too
[gso]: One option would be to say "no" to him re an issue that he is passionate about....saying no even when you really feel like saying yes.....
[gso]: like if he says "HEy lets go to a baseball game tonight...." and you said NO when you really feel like saying yes
[dimples]: interesting - its just that with us he is never home much these days
[gso]: sticking to your guns in a less personal or less emotional or less risky scenario.....stick-to-it-ness
[gso]: are you home waiting for him?
[dimples]: i guess i should have tried that earlier
[dimples]: yes
[gso]: what about making it known to him that you too have a social life and let him know you fill your calendar every night with friends.....not necessarily of the opposite gender...but if you are out with you same gender friends....he is left to wonder and maybe feel insecure like you feel when he is gone so much?
[dimples]: now that sounds like something i would like to try
[gso]: another way to do empathy training
[dimples]: i just have no friends - thanks to the ed
[gso]: sometimes partners don't understand how you feel until they feel it.......that is what mimi did with her hubby.......made him feel not worth listening to
[gso]: would family get together and go to the movies or something?
[dimples]: i wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain that i feel
[mimi]: dimples - what you just said about friends - that sounds like me
[gso]: why don't you have friends because of the ed?
[gso]: sorry to pry
[dimples]: we had to leave where we were living and when we moved i lost everyone
[mimi]: me too
[dimples]: everything is based around eating
[gso]: dimples so you need new friends? what about work friends?
[dimples]: when you have friends
[dimples]: all i do is go to appointments all week long
[gso]: can you ask that you not do something that revolves around eating?
[gso]: apt for your ed?
[dimples]: its hard to make friends when you cant trust anyone
[dimples]: yes i see three different T for help
[mimi]: I would find that hard
[gso]: well if the friend issue is a barrier, what about going to a book store or window shopping....jsut ot let him know you are out and about.....who knows who you culd meet
[dimples]: yes i do try that when i feel up to it
[mimi]: dimples, Id have trouble remembering who I said what too
[dimples]: i know mimi
[gso]: well thanks for chatting everyone.....see you next week....please use the chat rooms whenever you would like and try to visit at 9:00 est pm everynight for the support chats...stay and chat for awhile longer please:-)
[dimples]: thank you for you help
[lb]: good night
[mimi]: thanks gso
[mimi]: good night
[dimples]: night
[mimi]: dimples you ok?
[gso]: hope you come back dimples to keep us posted...you are so very welcome....
[dimples]: i appreciate that
[dimples]: im ok, thanks
[mimi]: then I hope to see you here next week
[dimples]: you too mimi -
[mimi]: good night, good night llb
[dimples]: bye for now