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If Someone in Your Family Has an Eating Disorder
The following is an excerpt from "Friendly Mirrors and Contented Closets"
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Hostility and rejection can also permeate family members when trying to get someone to
consider that they may have an eating problem. Unfortunately, I have seen family relationships
"rupture" as the defensive patient pushes them away. I have had a number of desperate parents
seek professional help regarding this situation and the helplessness they feel. Especially if
the "patient" has a defensive partner or spouse, conveying concern can have some very real
consequences. In general, I suggest that parents convey their concern in whichever manner
they feel would be effective. Letter writing, casual outings, or family meetings, are just a
sampling of methods that have been attempted. Some partners may be able to consider these
concerns, whereas others may not. Some patients may be able to listen to these concerns
and then seek help, whereas others may then push the concerned family member(s) further
away. What is said, to whom, and where the conversation takes place are varied and complex,
depending upon a variety of personality and relationship dynamics. That is why I suggest that
concerned family members seek the help of a professional in order to develop a game plan
or intervention for the patient. Further, it is not realistic to expect that one intervention will be
the answer. The first attempt at conveying concern is typically the first step of a lengthy and
sometimes grueling process. If your initial attempt(s) were not successful, try to simply address
non-weight related issues.
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Discussing medical consequences and the myriad of other medical problems that could be
the cause (or result of ) eating disordered behavior can be a productive argument, in that it gets
the patient into a doctors office.
Keep in mind, however, that there may come a time when your relationship with the patient
begins to rupture. The patient may make threats to abandon your relationship with them.
These are very real consequences and it is at this point that I usually ask concerned family
members to try something different in order to "preserve" their relationship with the patient.
Seeking out the help of another family member or a respected "best friend" of the patient can
help you preserve your relationship with the patient, while, at the same time, orchestrate an
alternative plan of intervention. Actively interview other family members and friends in order
to assess their capacity to remain firm and "ride-the-waves" of the patient's hostility. After a
new "messenger" is chosen, review the interventions that were previously attempted so as to
try something different. Educate them about what you now know about the illness. In short, it
is possible to complete your mission as a concerned family member, while, at the same time,
preventing a complete rupture in your relationship. Along this same line, playing "Good Cop-
Bad Cop" is likely to be provoked by the patient between parents, friends, and significant others.
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